It’s Chilli! And I got a Bowl…

Fresh off of the season finale of her VH1 reality series, Ms. Thomas makes the perfect candidate for the Summer season kick-off of the Crush Alot segment. I actually meant to dedicate this post to her on Mother’s Day, seeing how she is a MILF and all, but Chilli is actually a Blast from the past for me. I used to have quite the pubescent crush on the “Crazy” third of TLC around the time when they were parading around in silk pajamas and doing slow bank-head bounces in front of lagoons.

I remember being 13 and seeing some kind of pop-up video replay of the “Waterfalls” video point out how tight Chilli’s abs were, and in my mind I said ‘yeah, damn – they are pretty tight’. Not only did I start watching Chilli with a close eye that I never did before, now stomach muscles were officially apart of my list of body parts that I ranked high on the female body.

I was never a fan of TLC. Their fake-feminist role-reversal, slang-ridden brand of sex pop never was catered to my demographic anyway. It doesn’t help that none of them were really individually super talented to begin with, although Chilli had the best singing voice. But I have to give it up to them for being the best selling female group. They definitely did their thing and the sum of their parts is a historic one. But enough on the music…Chilli is the best thing about TLC! And for introducing her to the world, I thank them.

The rumor was that Rozonda is the long-lost older sister of fellow Crush Alot alum and Cute Queen, Tatyana M. Ali. I’ve been out of the Concrete Loop, so I never really delved any further to find out just how true that is, but the idea alone is enough to show that the boy’s taste for Almond Brown women with Indian hair is impeccable!

I lost my affinity for Chilli as I approached adulthood, especially after her body got tainted by the flimsy hands of Usher. That’s enough to keep any dude away from a chic for a minute. So I guess I can thank the good folks at Viacom for reinvigorating my youthful passion for the older woman of my dreams. This show, What Chilli Wants, actually gave me a glimpse into her mindset and lifestyle. I genuinely like how she carries herself and her ideals and values. Yeah, yeah, as the series has shown us (or what you may believe from the show) Chilli may be somewhat of a Super-Christian Jesus-Freak with a ridiculously long list of qualities and requirements for a potential suitor, but I must say, it’s good to see something a bit old fashioned in this post-modern heap.

It’s almost to the point where I wonder if  I can test the reality of this reality show by reaching out to my old High School classmate Tionna Smalls and seeing if she would assist me in my pursuit of the unreachable Ms. Thomas. I truly believe I would fill most of the criteria on her list with the exception of my current financial status and the whole religion thing, but hey, I’m about to be a big time rapper, and a couple hours in Church is a small price to pay! Surely it can’t be only white boys who are filling the slot. And Height isn’t a factor, because we all know Ursher and Floyd Mayweather aren’t exactly scraping the sky. Pardon me being a dude for a minute, but she’s perfect bend-over height (I’m gonna get in trouble for this post for sure…)

I mean seriously, we all have to admit, this is one bad lady to be touching 40 and still single. She can dance, sing, she’s mellow, not into drama, well spoken, southern – so you know that means she can cook, and she doesn’t Smoke, drink or eat pork! I don’t need to know anything else. I’m sold. Physically, she has a dope smile, the most sun-kissed glowy skin on camera, real hair – which is just a plus (don’t trip Black women – I know) and is still in tip-top shape. The big cherry on top, is that for some reason, this woman still looks the same as she did when she burst onto the scene almost 20 years ago. Yikes!

I don’t really need to say anymore do I?

Say what you want to say about her list and her pickiness, but

Rozonda “Chili” Thomas,

YOU,

are My New Crush!

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