I used to think I was pro-guns…

But then fucked up shit like the Connecticut mass killing takes place and makes me question why these things were even invented. The adage goes that guns don’t kill people, stupid people with guns kill people…But as I wake each day to the aural assault of rappers threatening me with their automatics and newscasts dutifully covering the latest in socio-pathic behavior, the reality dawns on me gloomily that while we may not ever be able to rid the world of so-called “stupid people”, we can more reasonably rid it of the great coward’s equalizer. Being from the ghetto, I quickly embraced the practicality of not only wanting a pistol to not be fucked with and show some sort of skill as a man (especially after going to the gun range with my older cousins), but also the possibility of NEEDING one. Somehow, after making it past the predicted statistical age of endangerment for Black males (25), this all became less important. The more people I started to know who actually got shot or actually killed people made it all seem much more desperate and hopeless. The whole appeal of having the skill of shooting made less sense when the majority of people shooting are psychos and untrained kids who are scared themselves. It all became a little lamer in the larger scheme of things.

The comic book character, Batman, who I often relate to in terms of disposition is notorious for his firm stance against guns, as they were the things that took the lives of his parents. He discarded them every chance he got, knowing it was a battle that would prove endless and futile. Somehow the futility of that battle rings so true in the real world for those who constantly lobby for harsher and more steadfast gun control laws. It’s almost like the rational call for restriction is a sign of disrespect to the manufacturers and right-wingers who swear by their Americanism on these weapons that are used for BAD 9 times out of 10. Ted Nugent be damned, I’d rather throw a million toys for guns drives than hear the President apologize to dozens of families every season for someone’s insanity.

Guns_1000

I get it,

right to bear arms.

I used to tout that same ethos, citing that same document which I admittedly know very little of. The constitution has not done much to this amendment which as the Black Panthers elucidated so virulently in the 60’s clearly referred to a limited kind of firearm and not the intricate variations of death tools we’ve come to know in the post-modern world. There’s a difference between a simple rifle to protect your person or property and a military-issue, multi-cartridge personal handheld version of a stylized Gatling gun. What war are we fighting so close to home that we need to strap up to these extents where access is so fluid and facile? Is killing Bambi’s mom that much of a cultural necessity that we need Wal-Mart sections devoted to this??

I’d like to see these same aggrandized “hunters” do the same shit with nothing but a knife…

But NRA politics aside, our fascination with things that can change our world in the blink of an eye within the palms of our hands is nothing new. It can be argued that this is human nature. Since man discovered that he can make fire I suppose this has been our understanding of power. It’s hard to detach the awe and fear that comes with that.

It’s a moral discrepancy of course. I don’t care about your “culture”. Fuck that. What I do care about is the family home that gets broken into and that need to protect your children amidst the threat of an intruder. I care about the bank security that couldv’e shot back if they were properly equipped and stopped hostages from being killed. But on a far too uneven slope, I think of all the gunned down innocent minorities because trigger happy police officers mistook their skittles or wallets or whatever for one, the dead wives from crimes of passion, the innocents shot for their freaking sneakers and phones, the good folks just trying to enjoy the Batman movie or get through their classes and jobs for the day who didn’t have the faintest idea that they’d be front page news the next morning. More impending than any Uranium, the shit that kills us the most any day is our own obsession with the ability to extinguish another life at our hands in seconds, just like downloading an app or rubbing two sticks of wood together – but without the waiting.

“No one man should have all that power”

The craziest crazy person still understands the gravity of murder. For some reason, in their greatest compulsion not to live any further, they adopt the concept of taking others with them. Sometimes I wonder if they dare themselves and finally pump themselves up into doing it like bungee jumping or skydiving. What does it do for them? What does it satisfy in those last few minutes of life to know that just before doing the weakest thing a human can do, you did the second weakest thing?

Now make no mistake, given the field that I’m in and my own personal experience, I understand the cognitive mechanics behind suicidality and how much of a disease it is, but nowhere in the diagnostic material is this equated with homicidal tendencies. And how much homicide fulfills whatever mission you’ve convinced yourself you’re on? 20-something sound about right?!

I know,

why am I asking questions of the crazed, irrational and worse yet, the dead? On a scarcely active blog nonetheless?

It’s just that we live in a dichotomous world filled with paradoxical forces that push us to hate the things we embrace the hardest.  A world  where we love sex and punish it, we want to kill people who have committed the worst atrocities but protest killings, where parents strive to keep their children away from even the most common legal drugs like Advil but clap every time legislation moves towards legalizing marijuana. We’re our own Jekylls and Hydes.

And its the raising children part that worries me every time. How do you prepare your kids for a day when they might have to walk into their kindergarten class to their death? How do you teach them how ugly this world is while still letting them know to appreciate the beauty of it? What a responsibility. What a cross to bear. It’s a job I couldn’t imagine having to do. And Lord knows I’d risk every sentence in the world and murder the bastard who did this to my child with my bare fuckin hands if he hadn’t done himself in. So from a place that I couldn’t relate to and wouldn’t begin to insult those who could, my heart goes out to all the parents and loved ones of those innocents lost this week to illogical violence from the power found in a palm of cowardice.

I write this as someone who used to think that they were pro-guns, but is now just utterly stumped and conflicted.

I write this, knowing that soon after I’ll be enjoying the guilty pleasure of some rap song making mention of it, or watching some movie which might get postponed but eventually hit theatres glorifying it. It’s not their fault. I blame it on all of us…

Never before have I felt more like Batman.

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