*Special Edition* Sex & The Chocolate City – ENTRY#16!!!

We’re taking a break from the Relationship Killer Series to talk about the number 16.

Frankly, I don’t know why I have to focus on 16, but I just do what I’m told so I don’t get yelled at by someone with the number 16 in their name that will remain nameless. *side eye*

Anyways, here’s 16 tips that ladies should do TONIGHT!

1) Bondage is always a win- Use a satin scarf and tie it tight. For go handcuff, they’ll only be a oh so familiar reminder of being in the backseat of a cop car. Even with the fur trim.

2) Stripper Basics 101- Use chair with no handles. It’ll be easier to straddle him.

3) Food Glorious Food-Sex on a full stomach is great! Cook up something spicy. On second thought, gas is never sexy. Stick to what you know.

4) New Pantie Draws- Even if he never sees it, you always instantly feel confident when you were something cute, sexy and most importantly NEW.

5) Pull a ‘Nia Long’- Like in Love Jones, remember, just walk through the door, without one work, and start unbuckling. He’s get the picture.

6) Bubble baths- it’s cliche, I know, but it never fails!

7) Mirror Mirror on the…floor-Take down that ikea full length mirror and turn it side ways. Bare floor and no sheets will help you see all the action

8) Read a book- I don’t mean Harry Potter, I mean a naughty book. Zane is always a winner in this department. Make sure you read it from across the room. No touching until the story is done.

9) Leave you heels on-This is tricky, so make sure they’re the right type of heels. Not too pointy, or you can seriously hurt him, or worst, yourself.

10) Play a game-Competition and challenge is the best form of foreplay

11) Tanning Oil- It’s cheap, it smells good, and most of all it reminds you of the summer. Heat some in a bowl for 15 secs.

12) Good Head/Dental Dam- for a more pleasurable oral experience, invest in these products.

13) Move of the day- check out sites like Cosmopolitan.com for the sex move of the day and try it. Be smooth about it, or at least try to be. They even have an app for your iPhone!

14) Porn Showcase- Face it, he has porn. Let go of your disgust and watch it with him. You may learn a few things.

15) Hide and go freak-Don’t be too hard to find yet don’t hide in the most obvious place either.

16) Scream, well, anything-Sometimes girls are really quiet during sex. If you let out a out-of-nowhere-gut-wrenching-yet-pleasurable scream, it’ll definitely excite him.


*Late Edition* Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #15

Secret Relationship Killer: Money

I hope you’ve all had a chance to read the introduction to this Secret Relationship Killers series and the first two installments- Number 5: Bad Breath & Body Odor and Number 4: Your Best Friend. Now we move on to Number 3: Money.

I feel the word itself is all the explanation needed. Money is the root of most problems, the cause of most wars, that includes the battles of the sexes.  Truthfully, it’s no secret that money is a relationship killer, I am really not telling you anything new. But, there’s a spin on this problem that some have overlooked. You ever have the mo’ money mo’ problems type of issue or a I’m broke it’s no joke type of issue. The way you deal with these issues is the relationship killer.


I was once dating a guy who had money, lots of it, but he couldn’t quite explain where it came from. I ruled out drugs because he simply wasn’t savvy enough for that type of business. He treated me like princess and I didn’t object to it. Yet, for some reason, it bothered me. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch, not knowing HOW he made his money. Some would say that’s none of my business and who cares but I cared. I wanted to know! And that nosiness, that curiosity, was the killer. In the end, I found out he had an inheritance. Nothing spectacular about it. But my insistence to know was a turn off. Lesson learned.

Poking your nose in someone’s financial affairs that is not your spouse is just plain rude. I’ve heard countless of girlfriends interrogating their boyfriends on the train about the amount of money they made that day. Instead of worrying about someone’s elses pockets, you should be worried about your own. And if that curiosity is eating away at you and you can’t practice restraint, then consider yourself official single cause why would anyone want to be with someone that can’t.


(Editor’s Note: In Penalty for TDJ’s lateness in delivering this post, we’re departing from using our regular Sex & The Chocolate City banner and using this default chocolate image as the dunce version – Thanks Tiff! – all I know is that Entry #16 Better be special!)

Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #14

The Secret Relationship Killer Series

So I hope you’ve all had a chance to read the introduction to this Secret Relationship Killers series. We started with number 5: Bad Breath & Body Odor. Now we move on to number four: your best friend.

We all have a best friend. That one solid person you can go to, rely on no matter what. That person has probably been through thick and thin with you through heart breaks and fist fights. So it’s only natural that your friend would be someone else biggest obstacle. Your best friend in an impenetrable force that keeps you from doing something stupid. True, not all friends have the best intentions or are always right. Some friends can be jaded or unbeknownst to them jealous of what you may or may not have, otherwise known as haters. But it’s not their fault, completely. Friends honestly believe they have your best interest at heart.

When you have a best friend, they’re there for life. Any person that comes in after that, i.e a man, is free to leave when they want. Hence, ladies, if your man has a serious problem with your best friend, he has every right not to feel it necessary to deal with it, which could mean not dealing with you at all. So, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. You either give up your man or give up your best friend. So what do you do? Let him go. You can break up with a boy, but you can’t break up with a friend. You can divorce a husband, but you can’t divorce your friend. Sure, every situation is different. Sometimes your friend is dead ass wrong.  But your friends are your rear view mirrors, there suppose to watch your back no matter what, enabling them to see the flaws in a man that you don’t. So if there is no way your friend and your man can find some way to get along for the sake of your relationship, then for the sake of your sanity, let him go. But, first, have a LONG discussion with that relationship killer. Make sure the reasons behind her dislike are valid or at least logical. If not, lay down ground rules as far as your happiness is concerned and pray to death your man loves you enough to put up with the evil eye.

Life without love sucks, but life with out friends is impossible.

Tune in next week for Secret Relationship Killer Number 3: Money


Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #13

The Secret Relationship Killer Series

9 times out of 10 I’m my own worst enemy when it come to relationships. Between the insecurities, pressure, and unwillingness to see situations for what they truly are, I find myself in compromising positions that, inevitably, end. But, in my defense, some of the problems I’ve faced I’ve found over time, weren’t truly my fault. Some problems are like hidden diseases, unseen at first by the naked eye, but after careful diagnosis, the problem is generally concluded to be deadly.

So in light of this wonderfully lighthearted news, I present the top five Relationship Killers Series.


Bad Breath & Body Odor

We’re all animals on this planet. We use our senses to get around in this world just like any other creature. The sense of smell, is probably the most valuable sense next to sight when it comes to dating. Smell plays a huge roll in sexual attraction to one another other, it’s in our genetic make up.

Fellas, when you see a girl across the room, you’re generally attracted to the sight of her. So what’s the second sense you’d probably encounter before you hear her voice, touch her arm, or taste her lips (I’m just praying you don’t go around kissing random strangers)?

And what happens when you find the perfect girl and she smells like cat poop? Of course your first reaction is to say “forget it, if she stank, I don’t want her!” But what if that girl was Janet Jackson, Beyonce, or Halle Berry? You’d be an idiot to not at least try to date her, right? So you forge ahead, halitosis be damn. But how far could the relationship go if every time you think about her, you remember her breath burning off your eyebrows. You can never cuddle with her in the morning, or, well, ever. You can never work out together since you may pass out from the fumes. You’d be bitter after spending all your hard earn money on specialized gum, mouthwash, perfumes, and body scrubs that only bandaids an internal problem.

What do you do when you find the perfect girl, all expect for that ONE thing? There’s nothing you can do, it’s a Relationship killer. Our pheromones were designed for a specific mate and it’s been scientifically proven that love screws our senses, making everything seem to smell like roses. Janet may stink to you but may smell great to Jermaine. So if you meet a girl and after several tries, your nose still is trying to jump off your face, let it go. Some folks would say how shallow of you to give up on the possibility of love based on such superficial traits. But those folks won’t have to deal with that funk for the rest of their lives like you would.

Tune in next week for Secret Relationship Killer Number 4: Your Best Friend


Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #12

The Dreaded Valentine’s Day Post

“So what are your V-Day plans?”

I absolutely cannot stand this question, for the answer is pretty self-evident when you’re single. Nothing. I have no plans. I won’t be so extreme as to say that I hate this holiday but it’s definitely not one of my favorites. Although I’m a huge fan of pink, roses, chocolate hearts and strawberries, there is nothing more depressing than seeing all these happy couples flaunt their relationships in front of you while you speed home to your pint of ice cream to try to avoid the world. Ok, that’s a tad bit extreme, it’s not like girls are purposefully dangling their boyfriends holding flowers in front of me (of course some of them are. Bitches.) But you can get really overwhelmed by the amount of couples you see on V-Day. It’s like a bitch slap reminder that you have no one. It sucks.

I’ve gone through great lengths in the past to avoid this day. So much that I’ve flown out the country just to avoid it but stupidly didn’t factor in that maybe Jamaican’s celebrate the foolish holiday too. It’s not that I’m upset or regret being single, it’s just inconvenient at times like these. Yes I have plenty of guy friends, like Malik-16, that can stand in as dates when I need them. But sometimes, I wouldn’t mind snuggling up with a warm body on what’s claim to be one the most “romantic” nights of the year. A boy, not my homeboy.

Anyhoo, Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! If you have someone, cherish them, adore them, not on this one day, but every day. And if you’re alone, relax, it’s just one day of the year that you have to ease your way through without killing anybody who ask you stupid questions like “So who’s your Valentine?” or “Where’s your boyfriend?”  or “Why are you so cranky?” (I didn’t say you couldn’t slap a couple of folks though).


Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #11

Young Cougars

I am twenty-seven and a half years old but on some days, I look like I’m no older than nineteen. (I’m not tooting my own horn here, this is the truth.) Looking this young, isn’t always a good thing when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. Some men will steer clear of me, worried about being the next R. Kelly, leaving only the young bucks left to holla at me. When I say young, I mean twenty-two and below. As far as maturity is concerned, that’s light years away from my age. It’s also down right embarrassing when high school boys try to get my number on the train then look shellshock when I tell them my age.

About a week ago, this guy, age twenty-one, asked me for my number. He was adorable, sweet, funny, and seemed rather mature for someone who was still in college. I kept asking myself “What am I doing” considering his age, but he was pretty persistent, I was flattered. And afterwards, all I could do is laugh at my over thinking of such a small event. It’s not like I’m Stella looking to get my groove back but we’re not even in the same demographic. There are twenty-five and older parties he wouldn’t be able to attend. He wouldn’t even be able to rent a car!

I’ve toyed around with the idea of dating a younger man before. But even dating guys that are only two years younger than me have been disastrous. I’ve seen some of my friends do it with relatively good results. Some only want younger boys men, so they can “train” them at an early age to be what they want them to be. I call them young cougars in training.

My girlfriend met a young buck at a party. He was twenty-three, she was twenty-eight.

He called and text no less than four times a day (mind you he didn’t have a job, so he had nothing else better to do). He would show up at her house uninvited on numerous occasions and tried to commandeer all of her time. Now I know what you’re thinking, so what, any guy of any age could do that. But my friend was a successful professional with her own car and condo. This particular dude wanted her to wear his class ring even though they only knew each other for three weeks and still live at home with his Momma, who did his laundry and made him lunch everyday.

As for me, I just don’t think I can do it. Men around that age have so much growing up to do. I’ve had to deal with growing with men, accompanied by heartbreak and utter confusion for the last decade of my dating life. Why would I put myself through the ringer again?  When you’re in your early twenties, you’re so confident, almost cocky, when it comes to what you want because you’re so sure. But honestly, no one really knows what they want or need at that time. There are forty year old women who still don’t have it together.

But, I am almost thirty. I suppose robbing cradles will be in my future soon enough.


Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #10

A Serendipitous moment on the train.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog about this guy I kept seeing on the train playing drums. I hadn’t seen him in the last couple of weeks since I had been out of town for almost a month. Well it just so happened that while I was on my way to Malik-16’s house last night, planning to tell him I really had nothing to write about for today’s blog post, worried about my numbness and lack of love life…guess who walks on the train after me: Drummer Boy. He instantly saw me and mentioned he hadn’t seen me in a while. Of course I was blushing and stuttering like a love stuck fool. The whole train was now staring at us because he decided to position his drum and himself right in front of me, away from the rest of his crew, while he played. Swoooooon

Taking a leap of faith from this serendipitous moment I gave him my number (along with my donation). I just ripped out a sheet a paper and scratched down my digits and he smiled then moved on to the next car. By the time I made it to Malik’s house I was already over thinking the entire moment.

It’s not like he asked me for my number. What if he had a wife or girlfriend? He’s way to good looking not too. And if he’s working on a train, does he even have a cell phone? Should we go out for coffee? How? Who will pay? Where does he live? What if he’s crazy? Good lord what have I done! Now crazy Drummer Boy has my number. Damn, damn, damn!

About an hour later, Drummer Boy texts me, asking permission to call, (answering the question about a cell phone). He was very sweet, polite, and poised. Then, amazingly, he asked me on a date and even offered to pick me up…in his car! To make a long story short, I’m excited and proud of myself for taking a chance with Drummer Boy. I’m probably one of the few women who would have ever taken that type of chance (or so I’ve been told). Even if nothing become of the situation, it’s still nice to know I looked beyond my shallowness and decided not to judge a book by its cover.


Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #9

The Worst Time To Be Single.

Top 5 WORST times to be SINGLE

I’m really single. To clarify, I’m not quote/unquote single, meaning I don’t have a defined boyfriend but do have a couple of boo’s on the side. No I’m straight up on the rocks single. There. Is. No. One. This is pretty rough considering it’s way too cold to go out and mix and mingle. Plus, with my hectic schedule and lifestyle, unless Mr. Right comes knocking on my door, there’s no way I’m going to find him. It’s called a single girl’s lull. But there are plenty of other times it’s bad to be single as well. Here’s the top five:

5. Summertime– Just think of all the romantic late night walks in the crisp weather, the picnics in the park, or romps on the beach. All the summer loving you won’t be having!

4. Weddings– Some would say this is a great place to be single, considering all the possible singles that frequent these events. But sometimes weddings can sadly remind you that you have yet to find someone to jump the broom with.

3. Valentine’s Day-Those big goofy looking heart shaped ballons, roses, cards, candy, blah, blah, blah. You can’t escape the day. It’s all around you. I once ran off to Jamaica thinking it was just a stupid American holiday and I would ignore it. Well wouldn’t you know Jamaicans are just as stupid.

2. The “Party”– You know what party I’m talking about. The party that you are 200% sure you’re ex is going to be at with his new girlfriend. I now understand the reasoning behind escort services.

1.Christmas/Thanksgiving– I find these to be the most romantic holidays… the lights, mistletoe, and the joy of the season. But on the other hand, no one wants to be the single girl at family functions, left to face the invasive judgmental question “So when you getting married?”

Can you think of anymore? Let us know!!!


Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #8

I’ll be moving on…

I needed a break from the cold weather and stress so I flew down to Miami for a little sun and relaxation. Ok, I’m lying, I flew down here to get away from EVERYONE and mourn the end of my relationship in peace. My ex and I broke up in October but with everything going I didn’t have the time to properly get over it and move on. The issue was, I didn’t want to move on. It was almost as if I pretend we never broke up in the first place. It took me weeks to even tell my family about it or call him my ex. I guess I just never wanted to admit to myself that it was truly over. Now two weeks away from New York, I feel 100% better, rejuvenated, and complete ok with it being over. I know everyone doesn’t have two weeks or even two days to get away from it all, so here’s some helpful hints to get on with your life:

  1. Delete Everything: I mean it. Delete emails, numbers, unfollow on Twitter, and de-friend on facebook. The less you see you ex-boo’s name the better you’ll be.
  2. Beware of drunk dialing: If you’re not ready to delete your ex-boo’s name from your phone, consider this. Replace his number with your best girlfriend’s number. That way if you “accidentally” dial him while your sloshed, you’ll be calling your girl instead saving you the embarrassment.
  3. Ex-Cleaning: Clean your place so nothing reminds you of your ex-boo. Wash your sheets if they still smell like him, take down pictures, move any clothes he bought you to the back of the closet so you won’t see them, but most importantly, anything that’s his, either mail it back to him or give it to good will to avoid temping voodoo.
  4. Take a Staycation: Rent movies, buy a few new books, order in food and camp out on Isle de Bed.
  5. Take on a new project: Write a book, paint, or volunteer. Anything that’s NOT something you would do with your ex.
  6. Hang out the most Unromantic Places: Think Old Folks home. The smell alone should set you straight.
  7. Find a Temporary Boo: As the old saying goes, sometimes it takes a new guy to get over the old guy. But if you’re still in the breakup phase, it’s not a good idea to jump back into a new relationship. Enter The Temp Boo. He should gorgeous, have some type of accent, and be completely opposite of everything your ex-boo was. I suggest a nice Cuban or Jamaican. (I don’t condone using men, but in this day and age, all bets are off).


(Editors note: yeah…at this point I’d like to note that the thoughts and views expressed in the Sex & The Chocolate City column are not necessarily the thoughts and views of the entire site…i.e. number “7”…ahem…)

Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #7


Happy New Year folks! I’m sure all of you were excited to ring in the new year with the promise of a new start, after throwing another ten years behind you (especially that ’09, sheesh). I also bet you had a chance to reflect on your love lives in the past ten years as well. Some of you’ve been through a couple of relationships, breakups, or have taken steps to marriage. A decade is a tremendous time for growth. Looking back on the last ten years of my own dating history, I’ve seen MANY ups and downs but I’ve also seen a few patterns. So on Sunday, after ringing in the New Year and sobering up, I listed all the men I’ve dated that were significant in the past ten years (i.e that dude that took me to Red Lobster my Freshman year with holes in the bottom of his car, doesn’t count). I listed strengths, weakness, and what went wrong.


Name: Al

Dated: 2002, then again 2004

Strengths: Honest, brilliant, humble

Weakness: insensitive, vain, selfish

The End: The Fade Out

Name: Aaron

Dated: 2005

Strengths: caring, sweet, funny.

Weakness: Pushover, sloppy drunk, needed to learn how to use lotion.

The End: Massive fight in the Bahamas

The reason for the exercise, I wanted to see if there was a pattern in the men I was choosing for myself. I also wanted to recognize any bad habits in myself. I noticed that I’ve dated a lot of guys in the past that were really sweet but when it came down to business of us they couldn’t speak their minds and were cowards about their feelings. So I suggest, if you’re still single, to try this exercise. It may be painful, at first, thinking back to all those assholes, but sometimes, looking at the bigger picture from older and wiser eyes may be all the explanation you ever really needed.