Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #9

The Worst Time To Be Single.

Top 5 WORST times to be SINGLE

I’m really single. To clarify, I’m not quote/unquote single, meaning I don’t have a defined boyfriend but do have a couple of boo’s on the side. No I’m straight up on the rocks single. There. Is. No. One. This is pretty rough considering it’s way too cold to go out and mix and mingle. Plus, with my hectic schedule and lifestyle, unless Mr. Right comes knocking on my door, there’s no way I’m going to find him. It’s called a single girl’s lull. But there are plenty of other times it’s bad to be single as well. Here’s the top five:

5. Summertime– Just think of all the romantic late night walks in the crisp weather, the picnics in the park, or romps on the beach. All the summer loving you won’t be having!

4. Weddings– Some would say this is a great place to be single, considering all the possible singles that frequent these events. But sometimes weddings can sadly remind you that you have yet to find someone to jump the broom with.

3. Valentine’s Day-Those big goofy looking heart shaped ballons, roses, cards, candy, blah, blah, blah. You can’t escape the day. It’s all around you. I once ran off to Jamaica thinking it was just a stupid American holiday and I would ignore it. Well wouldn’t you know Jamaicans are just as stupid.

2. The “Party”– You know what party I’m talking about. The party that you are 200% sure you’re ex is going to be at with his new girlfriend. I now understand the reasoning behind escort services.

1.Christmas/Thanksgiving– I find these to be the most romantic holidays… the lights, mistletoe, and the joy of the season. But on the other hand, no one wants to be the single girl at family functions, left to face the invasive judgmental question “So when you getting married?”

Can you think of anymore? Let us know!!!

TDJ

Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #8

I’ll be moving on…

I needed a break from the cold weather and stress so I flew down to Miami for a little sun and relaxation. Ok, I’m lying, I flew down here to get away from EVERYONE and mourn the end of my relationship in peace. My ex and I broke up in October but with everything going I didn’t have the time to properly get over it and move on. The issue was, I didn’t want to move on. It was almost as if I pretend we never broke up in the first place. It took me weeks to even tell my family about it or call him my ex. I guess I just never wanted to admit to myself that it was truly over. Now two weeks away from New York, I feel 100% better, rejuvenated, and complete ok with it being over. I know everyone doesn’t have two weeks or even two days to get away from it all, so here’s some helpful hints to get on with your life:

  1. Delete Everything: I mean it. Delete emails, numbers, unfollow on Twitter, and de-friend on facebook. The less you see you ex-boo’s name the better you’ll be.
  2. Beware of drunk dialing: If you’re not ready to delete your ex-boo’s name from your phone, consider this. Replace his number with your best girlfriend’s number. That way if you “accidentally” dial him while your sloshed, you’ll be calling your girl instead saving you the embarrassment.
  3. Ex-Cleaning: Clean your place so nothing reminds you of your ex-boo. Wash your sheets if they still smell like him, take down pictures, move any clothes he bought you to the back of the closet so you won’t see them, but most importantly, anything that’s his, either mail it back to him or give it to good will to avoid temping voodoo.
  4. Take a Staycation: Rent movies, buy a few new books, order in food and camp out on Isle de Bed.
  5. Take on a new project: Write a book, paint, or volunteer. Anything that’s NOT something you would do with your ex.
  6. Hang out the most Unromantic Places: Think Old Folks home. The smell alone should set you straight.
  7. Find a Temporary Boo: As the old saying goes, sometimes it takes a new guy to get over the old guy. But if you’re still in the breakup phase, it’s not a good idea to jump back into a new relationship. Enter The Temp Boo. He should gorgeous, have some type of accent, and be completely opposite of everything your ex-boo was. I suggest a nice Cuban or Jamaican. (I don’t condone using men, but in this day and age, all bets are off).

TDJ

(Editors note: yeah…at this point I’d like to note that the thoughts and views expressed in the Sex & The Chocolate City column are not necessarily the thoughts and views of the entire site…i.e. number “7”…ahem…)


As Promised…

The triumphant return of Sex & The Chocolate City, after a Mini-Winter break.

TDJ returns in super expository fashion sharing some really intimate details to set the New Year off.

No, this is not the update on dude from the train like some of you were expecting, but that’s only because she hasn’t ran into him again. Hold Tight!

Ladies, who Loves you, huh??!

In the meantime,  I welcome all new readers and followers of this blog, and remind them that yeah, whenever you see this pink banner every Tuesday, I’m NOT the one writing that!! But it’s the best part of this site, besides the Classic Sounds Candle Reviews. I only have Tiffany to thank for that, so for now, look underneath and enjoy the double helping of that ‘Pretty Brown Brown’ aphrodesiac.

The Chocolate I mean, not the Sex….

Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #7

A DECADE OF MEN

Happy New Year folks! I’m sure all of you were excited to ring in the new year with the promise of a new start, after throwing another ten years behind you (especially that ’09, sheesh). I also bet you had a chance to reflect on your love lives in the past ten years as well. Some of you’ve been through a couple of relationships, breakups, or have taken steps to marriage. A decade is a tremendous time for growth. Looking back on the last ten years of my own dating history, I’ve seen MANY ups and downs but I’ve also seen a few patterns. So on Sunday, after ringing in the New Year and sobering up, I listed all the men I’ve dated that were significant in the past ten years (i.e that dude that took me to Red Lobster my Freshman year with holes in the bottom of his car, doesn’t count). I listed strengths, weakness, and what went wrong.

Examples:

Name: Al

Dated: 2002, then again 2004

Strengths: Honest, brilliant, humble

Weakness: insensitive, vain, selfish

The End: The Fade Out

Name: Aaron

Dated: 2005

Strengths: caring, sweet, funny.

Weakness: Pushover, sloppy drunk, needed to learn how to use lotion.

The End: Massive fight in the Bahamas

The reason for the exercise, I wanted to see if there was a pattern in the men I was choosing for myself. I also wanted to recognize any bad habits in myself. I noticed that I’ve dated a lot of guys in the past that were really sweet but when it came down to business of us they couldn’t speak their minds and were cowards about their feelings. So I suggest, if you’re still single, to try this exercise. It may be painful, at first, thinking back to all those assholes, but sometimes, looking at the bigger picture from older and wiser eyes may be all the explanation you ever really needed.

TDJ

Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #6

When doves cry…

I made my ex cry yesterday, bawling like a child. This is the second ex that I’ve made cry so I started to think that maybe (just maybe) it might be me.

To make a long story short, I was tracking down my ex twice removed so he could testify in a case I have against my old landlord. I hadn’t seen or talked to him in six months. He wasn’t returning my phone calls or text messages in weeks thus I had to resort to stalking him (yes, his testimony is THAT important). It took me an entire day of roaming around Brooklyn in 18 degree weather till I finally found him at one of his weed spots, just chilling, with his phone in hand no less. I never screamed so much in all my life, I was so furious. He tried to come up with some excuses but they were clearly lies. Then suddenly he started crying, sobbing about how he didn’t return my calls because he wanted me to feel how he felt when I stopped returning his calls, how he missed me and that he didn’t understand why I let him go, and that I was an asshole for leaving him for some other guy (my most current ex). I admit, I am a stone cold bitch when it come to getting things done, I don’t have time for games (especially when its freezing outside).  But when I saw this stone cold Brooklyn hustler cry like a baby, my heart cracked and all I could do was stand there with my mouth open. It felt like we had switch roles. I was the dense dude and he was the sappy chick. If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have been devastated if he had suddenly said “stop calling me”, after we had been speaking to each other for over five years.

I don’t tell this story to emasculate him any further, I tell this to say be mindful of your actions in a breakup. Women are made to believe that men are these strong unemotional creatures who can take and live through anything. That they get over breakups easily, on to the next one. So women are more curt with their breakups, more harsh, mostly to protect themselves because they’re worried about their own fragile feelings. But as it turns out, they are just as sensitive as women when they truly love someone.

TDJ

Where The Hell is Sex & The Chocolate City???!!

I know, I know

The most beloved section of this site has been mysteriously missing for the last 2 weeks.

Fear not faithful readers and dare I say Jaded believers in Love and empathizers (is that even a word? if not, I’m making it one!)) of the plight of the Single New York Female, our Favorite column will be back in Full effect next Tuesday Via the Renaissance Woman, the Infamous TDJ herself.

I know you’ve been wondering what was the decision with ol’ boy on the train? did your comments influence her thoughts? what new challenge does our personal Joan Clayton/Carrie Bradshaw face in this New Year and what craziness did the Holiday season bring her way? Can you even relate?

I think you can. So be a little bit more patient, bear with us, because we’re about to Double…Hell, maybe even Triple up on the entries This Tuesday.

All the Chocolate one can take for a week.

And we’ll promise not to do this to you again….

Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #5

Got a moral dilemma that I need everyone’s help with!

There’s this guy I see on the train sometimes. He’s tall, built, adorable, brown skin with long dreads…totally my type. He always smiles, stares at me and say’s stuff like“ Nice smile” or “ Have a nice day dimples”. The type of stuff that makes me turn bright red and I rush off the train before embarrassing myself. He seems in great health, well put together, smells nice (which is important) and relatively intelligent. There’s just one MAJOR problem. See, whenever I see him, he’s moving from car to car on the train with a crew, playing African drums, and asking for donations. In other words, he’s train entertainment, one step up from the kids who sell candy and ‘get light’ and two steps up homeless beggars (or what Malik-16 would call, “BUMS!”).

I talked to my roommate about him, and she suggested that he could just being doing it as a side hustle, that he probably had a day job but I find that unlikely since I’ve seen him on several occasions, during different times of the day, when I have nothing but change to put in an empty hat. Originally, I never gave him a second thought. After all, who the hell talks to a dude you met performing on a train. Then I realized my reaction to him was horrifyingly judgmental.

A part of me feels guilty for thinking so low of him. I know nothing about him yet I’m jumping to conclusions based solely on what I see alone. But what I see is speaking volumes! Could I really see myself dating a dude that made his money on the A train? What if someone asked me what he did for a living, what would I say? He’s an artist of the streets? And if he DID ever ask me out, where could he really afford to take me. And even if he did take me somewhere, I’d only feel guilty that he spent the little bit of change he made on the train that day on me. Worst of all, I think I would just be embarrassed even being seen with him. And here lies my shame. I feel terrible judging this man who’s pushed aside his pride to go on the train every day, asking for money. Sure, some may say, he doesn’t have a real job but neither does the rest of 10% of the population that’s unemployed. I’m an unemployed student myself. But at least he’s doing something and not sitting on his ass waiting for money to come find him. Who the hell am I to look down on anyone…and yet…a girl’s gotta have some standards, right?

So the question is should I risk letting this man that puts this ridiculous smile on my face every time I see him pass me by again? You decided and I’ll give you an update next week!

TDJ

Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #4

TEAM EDWARD!

About a year ago, I feel in love with a pasty dead white guy, about 100 years my senior. His name is Edward. I’m sure you’ve all heard of him, or at least heard of the Twilight Saga  (or you’ve been under a rock for the past two years). But it wasn’t the man himself that I fell in love with, but the idea of him. He’s a fantasy. Perfect gentleman that makes your heart skip several beats. He is everything you ever wanted, a dream come true. In New Moon, we were introduced to a faithful pup, Jacob.  Jacob is the true friend, companion, who would without a doubt throw himself in front of a car (or a pack of wolves) if it made you happy.

Why I bring up this silly nonsensical story, because beyond the love struck teenaged mushiness and tales of the undead lies an important lesson in love and choice. We’ve all had moments where we are left choosing between our wants (TEAM EDWARDS) and our needs (TEAM JACOB).

Our needs is what’s most beneficial to our health and happiness. Choosing what we need is the safest and most logical decision. It’s a mate that worships the ground you walk on, a person that loves you more than you could ever love them or even yourself. But some would criticize this as settling.

Our wants is our unquenchable desire, our thirst (no pun intended) for some something out of our immediate reach, whether it’s good or bad for us. Our wants generally means we must make some sacrifices, take risks, and hope for the best. Unlike needs, there is no guaranteed happy ending with wants.

Edward’s dead. In order to be with him, I’d have to die too. Meanwhile, Jacob is happy and healthy with a beating heart. So either I risk my life to be with a vampire or stay human, long and prosper with a werewolf.

So why did I choose Edward?

Because life is not about playing it safe! Life is about taking chances! You should never be looking back on your life with regret. You should always go for what you want. And it’s our wants that get in the way of completely being happy with just our needs.

So I say, go with what you want, and in time you’ll learn that it’s exactly what you need.

TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFE!

TDJ

Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry # 3

The eye of the Tiger

So I know everyone has been talking about the ‘Tiger Tiger Woods ya’ll’ scandal, so I figured I’d throw in my two cents. (Dust off soap box, clears throat)

Hear ye’, Hear ye’! Men cheat. He is a man. This is nothing new. That is all.

I mean, were people really surprised by this? cause I certainly was not. The only thing that made me raise a fraction of an eyebrow was the amount of attention and buzz this created, as if this was a new concept. A complete media frenzy, with women, pearls clutched, gasping at the audacity of Tiger, the utter definition of a melting pot who reached fame through his putt putt skills and cheated on his snow white wife.

Presidents, Businessmen, athletes, rappers, drug dealers, even delivery men cheat. So for people to be so astonished by this is a mystery to me.

I am in no way saying that every man on the planet cheats, or that all famous men cheat, but let’s face it, statistics don’t lie. 57% of all married men have had an extra marital affair at some point. Average length of an affair, TWO years and in most cases, the affairs are never discovered.

And then women have the nerve and audacity to ask the question why. Why did this happen? Why did he cheat on me?

Let’s first delve into the point, do you really want to know the answer? Because no matter what answer he gives you, it’s always going to be a dumb selfish one. It won’t bring clarity or heal your wounds. There is no satisfaction in knowing the whys, hows, wheres, and whoms.

The most important question that women, i.e Mrs. Tiger Woods, should be asking is what am I going to do now? What’s my next step?

It’s not about what your man is going to do for you or how he should make it up to you if you decide to stay. What’s important is what you are going to do for yourself. You should be your sole focus. You cannot stay stuck in the past. What’s done is done, move on for your own sanity and your children if applicable. Make peace with yourself and know that no matter what you could’ve possibly done does not warrant your mate stepping out on you.  I know all about cheating. I’m not going to sugar coat it. It sucks. There are no words for the amount of pain you go through. No one can honestly comfort you. The only person that can sincerely comfort you is you.

TDJ

Sex & The Chocolate City – Entry #2

An apology to all my Ex’s

Dear Previous Lovers,

This is me apologizing to you for a change: I’m sorry for being an asshole. There, I said it. It took years for me to build that one sentence in my head. Years of soul searching, reflection, and self-recognition.  I am sorry for what I put you through. I know dealing with a girl like me wasn’t easy. I have issues I can admit to. I don’t trust very easily, I can be jealous, spiteful or I can just simply not care at all. I have a temper that I repeatedly apologize for and tend to say things without thinking. I suppose I’ve always assumed that men don’t have an ounce of sensitivity in them, and the words I say couldn’t possible cut as deep as they apparently do. I push people away, even when I need them and can be selfish when it comes to my feelings. It’s a defense mechanism. I am always on guard to protect myself at all cost. Even if the cost means loosing you.

I’m not saying all this to take you completely off the hook. I’m not bipolar, my actions and words were not without reason. However, I don’t want you thinking that everything that happened between us was your fault alone. I take full responsibility for my actions, whether I hung up on you, shouted at you, or left you completely dumbfounded. I admit that being so hurt in the past has inevitably scarred me. But it wasn’t fair for you to pay for the last man’s mistakes.

A lot of you are in happy healthy relationships, even marriage. And I’m happy for you. I wish you nothing but success in your futures. As for me, I am taking a big leap into adulthood (a little late, but you know me) and being the bigger person. I’ve learned from my mistakes and what they have cost me. Thank you for teaching me such important life lessons.

Love, TDJ