Why Celebrity Sextapes Suck!

The answer is simple. These Bitches are Fake!

Think about it…

Between all of the 2 minute world star hip-hop clips of video vixens and reality show wannabe starlets and the full-out Celebrity home-made tapes that you weren’t supposed to see, how many of those have made you say, ‘wow! This chic is outrageous!‘??

Not many huh?

Now this excludes those of you who are just appalled at the sight of anything sexual or voyeuristic, but the rest of us adults notwithstanding, usually come across these videos from a sense of pop-culture curiosity that has fueled the take-over of reality television as the dominant form of entertainment programming since the turn of the century. We are a nosy society. As much as we don’t want to be, we are very much so invested and interested in the ambitions and pitfalls of others. Especially of those others who we perceive or have been lead to perceive as more privileged than ourselves. Alot of it is based on the importance that we place on both money and freedom. These two seem to be intertwined, and the people in the limelight embody both so we have an unconscious inclination to attach our projections of that ideal onto them, whether we like them or not. They represent the dream of unlimited access and unmonitored indulgence and pursuit. Because of this internalization, we care enough to see if, even in the face of all of this power and mobility, the pretty people succumb to the same stresses and woes as us common folk. It’s kind of a self inventory. We check our own potential and map out our own discipline in comparison. It’s super often to hear someone state what they would do if placed in a similar situation as a celebrity and how they would do it better. All this being said, when a celebrity or psuedo-celeb slips up and gives us a glimpse into their bedroom behavior, we’re acting out of that same comparative and curious nature. However, because they are celebrities and used to being in the public eye, we’re often expecting some really exciting and juicy stuff. We’re expecting them to let loose once the doors are closed because this is one of the few parts of their lives that they can keep private. It’s the area where they’re in control of the cameras for a change. But alas… Just like everywhere else where they’re seen, you pretty much get another scripted show.

Anyone who’s ever watched Celebrity Rehab can tell you that it’s very common that your favorite celebutante or notorious character has or is dealing with a lot of pressures and insecurities behind closed doors. There’s this constant need to search for self, or the incessant compulsion to perform. There’s often a void that is so desperately begging to be filled there that the lines between real and unreal are nearly blurred to the extent that real is more of a concept than an existence.

In other words, usually, the victims and subjects of these leaked homemade videos aren’t even having real sex. They’re having Hollywood sex.

What is Hollywood sex you ask? The sex that after viewing one of said sextapes has you reviewing it amongst your friends and co-workers at the water cooler as ‘wack!‘. The internet is flooded with these. A dozen scandalized vids featuring big names that you just knew were gonna be crazy but turned out being about as steamy as a late night movie on the Showtime for women channel. Sometimes, we’re better off with the hacked camera phone pics that surface every few months or so, because at least then we can use our imaginations and create scenarios where these folks are actually enticing and intriguing to watch.

With the exception of the unforgivable and unfortunately unforgettable R.Kelly debacle, the recent rise of leaked tapes have been less than freaky and have featured mostly young social climbers; not too famous, not too bright and not too much of anything else apparently. From Paris Hilton to Kendra, the tapes are supposedly capturing stolen moments in time between them and the person who they were so madly in love with. At least, this is always the quickest, easiest and most logical go-to explanation when addressing it’s exposure to the public. They’re always devastated and shocked that someone could violate their trust. Then they proceed to rake in their portion of the proceeds from Vivid Video.

It’s no wonder how young disturbed chics like Montana Fishburne can see this as not only a way to collect some extra cash, but also a means by which to garner attention and make a name. Whatever that name may be.

Speaking of ms. Chippy D, her tape was the worst Mockery of intercourse in the history of anyone brown. The over-hyped and much maligned released was anticipated with a cringing anxiety attached to it. We awaited the promoted mid-August release date expecting to see Laurence Fishburne‘s daughter disgrace his name with the wildest, filthiest shit ever known to porn. Instead, Montana disgraced her daddy’s name by being stupid enough to think she would earn respect through sex and then not even be good at it! The nastiest thing about her video was the unavoidable shots of her ass-acne!

Yet, now knowing the implications and troubled history involved in her story, including subsequently checking into a mental health facility, we can see that Montana’s story is reflective of that aforementioned need to fill a void shared by her predecessors. Sometimes it can just be a lack of a sense of self or true definition. Alot of us live off of youth and the rush and power that comes with it. You can see that rush being magnified a million fold if growing up within the glamour and glitz. You’re searching as you’re doing. Flying to find your wings so to speak. So let’s take someone like a Kim Kardashian, who supposedly was in her right mind while making her tape with Ray-J. Unlike Montana, Tila Tequila, Paris or even Kendra and Nicole Narain (and her tape with Colin Ferell – which might be the closest to real sex), who’ve discussed how deep they were into drugs around the times of their tapes, Kim K claims to have led a pretty sober life. So her excuse for her wack fucking can be chalked up to just lack of character overall. Maybe a little camera shyness? I’m sure a tape now after having a long running hit show on E! would be a bit more enticing being that she’s used to the invasion of the lens at this point. Or maybe listening to Ray-J‘s corny sex talk made her stiff and bland.

Even Karrine Steffans was super-lame as a porn actress. Her now infamous scene with flick star Mr.Marcus showed Why she’s called Superhead, but was really sleep-inspiring when it came to penetration.

She looked bored herself and you could almost hear her counting her paycheck as she was asking for the money shot to hurry up and get done with. The point here is that empty people have empty sex.

The realest Scandal clip I’ve landed upon was featuring a Miss Universe winner from Trinidad with a dude and another Contestant from Japan.

Maybe because being a pageant winner isn’t anywhere close to being on T.V. everyday, hers was closer to a real life sex-romp. The intimacy and emotion were there in her x-rated debut. There was a real sense of her trying to impress and please her partner. Basically she got down like most of us would and do – or at least the way a man wants his chic to get down! This wasn’t a lay-on-your-back-and-take-it session.

I just think we haven’t seen any leaked footage from anyone with substance. Throughout all the decades and all the Pam and Tommy-Lee frenzy, there hasn’t been anyone caught up looking like they’re enjoying their sex on tape since the fuzzy Jayne kennedy VHS. If ever a day where Angelina Jolie or someone of her caliber lets some old footage seep out, or any real Black celebrity chic for that matter (No,you don’t count, Hoopz, Caviar and Buckeey), then we’ll really see something!! Fantasia better hope that alleged tape doesn’t fall in the wrong hands anytime soon. We all know if she can’t do anything else, she can sing and probably slurp and twerk like nobody’s business! Maybe I went too far there but come on now…

Before I sound like a perv and the ultimate leader of some celeb-porn fetish group or fan club, I’ll just say that I’ve only come across some of these clips by way of other people, or blog-site-hyped previews. This is not something I seek out, Nor do I own any porn. But my feeling is, if you’re gonna go for it, Go all out! Why hold back? This is intimacy we’re talking about here. Maybe I’m tripping and it’s just that looking at home-made films shot from a tri-pod or from switched off first-person angles just doesn’t look as good as professional camera work done by folks who get paid to zoom into pussies and butt-cracks all day. Maybe home -movies only look good to the couples themselves and that’s why it wasn’t meant for us to see to begin with. So that would mean that pornography actually is an art and maybe we should commend and give these ladies of the industry much more credit and respect for making something so fake and detached look so real and exciting because Lord knows these reality chics couldn’t pull it off in the real world.  Their real looks phony. Maybe sex is just as empty as some of the other aspects of these peoples’ lives tho. Maybe this is as good as it gets for them. maybe this just is how they fuck or get fucked. If so, then damn…I’d rather NOT have my life be like a movie… Unless it’s an XXX one from West Coast Productions. The Vivid life is just not so…vivid.

*New Malik-16 & Brandon Carter Track ft. Mel Gibson* – “Pack Of Niggers”

This was supposed to be a surprise song that wasn’t gonna drop until tomorrow when we perform together at Santos, but Somebody wanted to be an eager beaver *ahem*. And as Drake so eloquently pointed out, that “can be the collapse of a dam”.

Good thing we’re just that Dam good at this parody game.

This time we brought Mel Gibson along for the ride to enlighten you Niggers (Yeah, ER). And yeah I name-dropped Clayton Bigsby in there. And Brandon produced the beat, with a little of my input, but he always mixes my verses wack when I record with him…I smell sabotage….what do you guys think?

Enjoy. And download the song at this link

http://malik-16.bandcamp.com/track/pack-of-niggers

Now you can tell all your friends you officially own the most ignorant song of the summer. You’re welcome!