It’s Chilli! And I got a Bowl…

Fresh off of the season finale of her VH1 reality series, Ms. Thomas makes the perfect candidate for the Summer season kick-off of the Crush Alot segment. I actually meant to dedicate this post to her on Mother’s Day, seeing how she is a MILF and all, but Chilli is actually a Blast from the past for me. I used to have quite the pubescent crush on the “Crazy” third of TLC around the time when they were parading around in silk pajamas and doing slow bank-head bounces in front of lagoons.

I remember being 13 and seeing some kind of pop-up video replay of the “Waterfalls” video point out how tight Chilli’s abs were, and in my mind I said ‘yeah, damn – they are pretty tight’. Not only did I start watching Chilli with a close eye that I never did before, now stomach muscles were officially apart of my list of body parts that I ranked high on the female body.

I was never a fan of TLC. Their fake-feminist role-reversal, slang-ridden brand of sex pop never was catered to my demographic anyway. It doesn’t help that none of them were really individually super talented to begin with, although Chilli had the best singing voice. But I have to give it up to them for being the best selling female group. They definitely did their thing and the sum of their parts is a historic one. But enough on the music…Chilli is the best thing about TLC! And for introducing her to the world, I thank them.

The rumor was that Rozonda is the long-lost older sister of fellow Crush Alot alum and Cute Queen, Tatyana M. Ali. I’ve been out of the Concrete Loop, so I never really delved any further to find out just how true that is, but the idea alone is enough to show that the boy’s taste for Almond Brown women with Indian hair is impeccable!

I lost my affinity for Chilli as I approached adulthood, especially after her body got tainted by the flimsy hands of Usher. That’s enough to keep any dude away from a chic for a minute. So I guess I can thank the good folks at Viacom for reinvigorating my youthful passion for the older woman of my dreams. This show, What Chilli Wants, actually gave me a glimpse into her mindset and lifestyle. I genuinely like how she carries herself and her ideals and values. Yeah, yeah, as the series has shown us (or what you may believe from the show) Chilli may be somewhat of a Super-Christian Jesus-Freak with a ridiculously long list of qualities and requirements for a potential suitor, but I must say, it’s good to see something a bit old fashioned in this post-modern heap.

It’s almost to the point where I wonder if  I can test the reality of this reality show by reaching out to my old High School classmate Tionna Smalls and seeing if she would assist me in my pursuit of the unreachable Ms. Thomas. I truly believe I would fill most of the criteria on her list with the exception of my current financial status and the whole religion thing, but hey, I’m about to be a big time rapper, and a couple hours in Church is a small price to pay! Surely it can’t be only white boys who are filling the slot. And Height isn’t a factor, because we all know Ursher and Floyd Mayweather aren’t exactly scraping the sky. Pardon me being a dude for a minute, but she’s perfect bend-over height (I’m gonna get in trouble for this post for sure…)

I mean seriously, we all have to admit, this is one bad lady to be touching 40 and still single. She can dance, sing, she’s mellow, not into drama, well spoken, southern – so you know that means she can cook, and she doesn’t Smoke, drink or eat pork! I don’t need to know anything else. I’m sold. Physically, she has a dope smile, the most sun-kissed glowy skin on camera, real hair – which is just a plus (don’t trip Black women – I know) and is still in tip-top shape. The big cherry on top, is that for some reason, this woman still looks the same as she did when she burst onto the scene almost 20 years ago. Yikes!

I don’t really need to say anymore do I?

Say what you want to say about her list and her pickiness, but

Rozonda “Chili” Thomas,

YOU,

are My New Crush!

Reality? sHOs

Are You a Former Urban starlet who’s faded quite distant from the limelight?

Are you a Pseudo celeb looking to extend your 15 minutes that may have come about from a scandal or your involvement with someone slightly more famous than you??

Well apparently Cable television has an offer that you just cannot refuse! The masterminds of TvOne and Viacom have devised a way for you to taste notoriety Just one more time and have people remember you for something other than your last accomplishment a decade ago.

I digress from the sarcasm a bit just because at the later point in my career when there’s some new fresh faces eating up all of the moment, I can only hope that someone thinks enough of me to throw me a show as well.

From Lil Kim to Keyshia Cole, To Fantasia, Monica and Pepa, and even (Dare I say it) Tiffany “New York” Pollard, notice a trend? There appears to be some kind of lifeline being tossed at subjects from this world, particularly female subjects, with colorful enough backgrounds to ensure that they bring Drama enough to generate water cooler talk. This lifeline brings them back to a surface that seems to have eluded them in the more recent years, be it from their actions, or the results of a frivolous public that incessantly looks for the newest, youngest and freshest! This is true for all the aforementioned ladies except Cole, who has yet to lose the grip that she has had on her fan base. This may be due to the unprecedented move of her having a show during the middle of her career as opposed to the norm of people doing them to revive theirs. Even Kirstie Alley needs a vehicle every  few years or so. And she’s Emmy award winning!

Personally, I’m all for these ladies getting more shine and getting more exposure. Some of these women are those who have put in a lot into the game of entertainment and gave us memorable moments, but are overlooked and close to forgotten when it comes to recognition. What Iam against is the aimless, dense premises and super cliche, damn near played out structure and episode patterns and set-ups. Of course these shows are very scripted, not so much in dialogue, but in terms of unfolding and exposition. It makes you wonder how dumb do the programmers at these networks think we are? Or better yet, How dumb are we for actually indulging in the guilty pleasures of staying tuned and peering into other people’s lives who honestly aren’t any more special than us besides the places they’ve been seen or heard. This particular breed definitely embodies that. They are so common that it’s like watching Tiana down the hall have her own show, or your ghetto cousin. Oh yes, that’s a defining factor with all of these uhm….young ladies…whether bourgie or just straight out loud, country or sassy, they are all some variation of Ghetto.

Some of it is like watching a train wreck, but best believe half of us will be faithfully watching to see it all burn down. With upcoming seasons of new shows like Tiny & Toya, Lisa Raye, The Fabled Stacey Dash reality series, and the last milking of Ray J‘s cash cow – where he brings in his sister Brandy and his parents, it seems like the networks are churning these shows out like hot cakes! You can only wonder, who’s next?? Vivica? Toni Braxton? Kelly Rowland?

I’m a Brandy fan, so I’ll definitely be watching that one, But I can guarantee that they’ll be lots of cringe-worthy moments. I also am partial to this Chili series coming up.  In a crazy twist of fate, it would appear that her relationship life coach is a former high school classmate of mine, albeit a loud, Brooklynite, younger former classmate of mine who used to be quite fond of me and a friend of mine. Life is funny. Shout out to High School for Environmental Studies!!

Tell me which ones you’ved enjoyed watching and/or plan on watching. Then afterwards, Go Get your Cousin!