i Slut-Shame & your pseudo-feminism won’t make me feel guilty about it

There’s no way that I can write this post without sounding sexist, so I won’t even begin to fool myself into falling into the trap of taking a defensive tone.

Let me say this…I feel that the objectification of women, be it by male or female is not a win for anyone. Self-exploitation is still exploitation. Rihanna is no more a heroine than is Anna Nicole Smith. The worst thing is when the slaves define their success by becoming the slave-masters.

So on return back to the glorious internets from being buried beneath a pile of psycho and legal babble this season, I come across a slew of response videos to one JennaMarbles clip questioning the motivations of what White girls call “sluts” and what Black girls call “hos”. 3 of these response videos feature very intelligent diatribes from dynamic women, including the talented Ms. Franchesca “Chescaleigh” Ramsey (the genius behind “Shit White Girls Say To Black Girls”), who I had the pleasure of meeting earlier this year. What I take issue with is the dominant argument of the two other women’s videos (HayleyGHoover & LaciGreen) that spout the same reverse rationalization rhetoric that those in the aftermath of the bra-burning era have been pushing for a while now. Hiding behind the very IMPORTANT issue of date rape and the misconceptions surrounding that, these women passionately defend promiscuity in the name of bringing awareness to an area that needs much attention. But I can’t help but wonder if there was no misconception picked up from JennaMarbles’ comments about sloppily drunken girls and the typical results, or if there was no mention of that type of stuff at all, if there would still be such a sharp response from these same well spoken individuals coming to defend a woman’s “right” to fuck whomever and however many. It’s pretty clear that JennnaMarbles’ main point didn’t surround drunk and hot girls getting taken advantage of as much as that was a scenario she mentioned among several others to illustrate her disapproval of overtly sexual female conduct. Using this part of her argument as the catalyst to cry foul and rally the next march just seemed so sadly convenient and blown out of proportion that now we have her villainized as the chic who doesn’t feel sorry for rape victims.

Let’s get to the elephant in the room. This whole ordeal prompted Chesca to share her very personal story for fear that JennaMarble’s video comments would fuel the myth that it’s the rape victim’s fault if she allowed herself to dress scandalous or get drunk and end up in the tragic position. Even in the most WTF Robin Givens 2AM situation, this should never be the case. What she’s addressing here is called “Victim Blaming”. For all of the women who I know who have experienced this horrendous crime, I’m still appalled to this day that they have to endure cops questioning them in the manner that they do. I’m driven to the point of rage every time I think that I probably meet a dude every week who has forced himself on a woman. I’m baffled that in this world where women outnumber men almost everywhere that there is still rape going on. I wonder what is wrong with the messages we’ve been sending men for decades and centuries. I question rap music. I question my own music, I question the banner on top of this site with two women blowing my….Candles. There is NO excuse possible for women-beating (again, that’s for you Chris Brown defenders) or sexual offense of any kind. It is NEVER the victim’s FAULT. Even if she was butt naked on the 6 train going downtown (literally).

Yet and still, Women are NOT men.

We are equal in many ways, but we are inherently different. The day we accept that and stop trying to best each other will be the brightest day in modern history. Maybe then women will get paid the same exact rate as men (cause I certainly don’t understand why they don’t now), maybe then rappers will stop acting like the word “bitch” is interchangeable with the word “woman”, maybe then women will stop trying to play football and body-build. But for now, double standards exist for a reason. This is not simply some derivative remnant from oppressive masculinity that defined women as property. Vag’s hold the key of life. In my opinion, that makes them a little more precious than dicks. That’s just my uncouth opinion. I’m not here to convince you of evolutionary psychology and biological science that demonstrates behavioral patterns and instinctual wiring that developed for survival, or that we – like every other living thing on this Earth have the same mission of procreation before we die. I’m not here to convince you that men are given the ability to procreate freely and easily for a reason and that influences urges. I’m not here to remind you of how many unwanted pregnancies there are every fuckin day or question what the emotional toll has to be of taking different people INTO your body.

What I do know is that for all your open-mindedness, and all of your “don’t-judge” blah blah blah,

NOBODY,

male or female,

really respects a slut. 

Does this mean they are not human? No! Does this mean its okay to do with them as you want? No! But let’s not start acting like it’s ok for anyone to throw their body around like it’s some show of honor because they chose to do it and no one made them. This applies to both men and women. We have this warped idea that being super sexual is liberating. All of a sudden Lady Gaga is more of a symbol for women’s lib than Alicia Keys because she wears S&M get-ups and shows her pale ass cheeks every other month. Liberation is only for those who were restricted in the first place. In high school, I’m sure we can all recall that girl who was so flirty and out there but was a virgin who did everything else but vaginal intercourse in some kind of weird attempt to maintain her purity. Meanwhile, the girls who had actually got it poppin were pretty calm and quiet about it. If you have to become a sex shooter to display your sense of freedom, I see that as more of a sign of sexual immaturity and attention seeking. Is it really more empowering now that women like going to strip clubs and spend their week-nights calling pole-dancing exercise? I’d say they just actually made men’s jobs 1 hundred percent easier. It’s no big secret that pussy is power. It makes the world go round more than money. At the end of the day, what does it matter if I took your panties off or you did if they wind up on the floor either way?? Are we really that hung up over the technicality of it all? If you don’t see how frivolous and distracting of a debate that all is while we have bigger things going on in the world like gun wielding madmen and global warming, then you’re truly gone.

Even Ice-T, for all of his pimp bullshit, cries on twitter when his woman crosses the line. When it’s all said and done, nobody wants to claim the whore. Women are the mothers of our children, the mothers who made us, the daughters we make. When we see other women, we see them. No man wants to think of any of those females getting treated like porn stars (only porn stars should be treated like pron stars). We’re territorial. That same protective and masculine energy that attracts you to us in the first place. The same shit that makes you say “nuh-uh” to a threesome when your man asks you is the same shit that makes us say “nuh-uh” when we find out that there’s been more than 10 dicks in you. Is it ego? Isn’t LOVE ego??

You can’t be the first to walk on the moon for the second time. But nobody wants to be the 338th person. Our problem is when we start thinking about children. This new generation wants to lead this reckless adult life full of porn, hookah, Ciroc, jeggings and neck tattoos, but raise kids on these hundred year old morals and doctrines. There’s a Puritan-esque clash and conflict of interest there. How hypocritical can we be?! What’s the point of protecting our children from behavior that we indulge in ourselves and believe is wrong? 

I personally am not a fan of anything extreme. Moderation has worked for a long time with no complaints. Referring back to my favorite model of good-womanhood, nobody ever said that Claire Huxtable wasn’t sexually free and you never saw her run upstairs with anyone but Cliff and you never saw more than a shoulder of hers. Committment doesn’t have to be for everyone, but why does sex have to be how you translate your dating life? I can’t name one promiscuous person, especially not a female, that I know who doesn’t express lament and weariness from the bed they have made and laid in with so many. After a certain point, they all just want their past forgotten, forgiven or accepted. They want babies. They want to settle down. They want a clean slate. They say they have “no regrets” but they don’t believe it wholeheartedly themselves. They’d take back half of their experiences if they could. It’s a vapid game that leaves you asking what was it all for? It’s like those documentaries where they show gangbangers when they were young and dumb and ready for whatever and then they’re all old Muslims or born-agains 20 years later doing outreach programs. The good girls think its fun to cheer on the Samantha’s of the world but in their private lives they wouldn’t want to be them. There’s a fantasy women embrace about being the “bad girl”. But we all know that in most cases, the bad girl just makes for good iconic photography and Halloween cosplay. They want the shoes she has on but don’t really want to endure the hollowness, anguish and confusion it took to walk in them.

Being in your 20’s is no excuse for being a fuckbox. This “Y.O.L.O.” wave is fleeting. Don’t believe the hype. As a woman, you’re gonna have waaaaay more disappointments the more your numbers add up than a man with numbers ever will. Women claim not to be satisfied by most dudes they’ve been with, averaging like 1 good partner every 5. That’s a alot of trial and error just to wind up using your toy later on anyway. Men are stupid. They’re just happy to be in something soft and wet 85% of the time so discriminating factors aren’t priority. Does this mean it’s ok if we throw our bodies around? No! Just pointing out another difference in why women trying to adopt the same flawed behavior isn’t a good idea. 2 Wrongs don’t make a right. You wanna express yourself? Help these dudes learn how to properly respect and treat you. That’s not going to happen by you spreading your free love and independence everywhere. That just continues you making yourself synonymous with sex. I don’t care what Ivy league degree you have and how you try to make it sound intellectual. What I like about JennaMarbles’ point is that she clearly noted that you can be super smart but the logic that justifies promiscuity is warped and stupid. Ill-advised choices are not reflections of academic intelligence, but can be a barometer of social intelligence. As much as we want to be all I-Don’t -Give-A-Fuck in a non I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck world, you’re never really doing anything new under the sun. Everyone you admire who quote-unquote “doesn’t give a fuck” is either dead before their time or dealing with some serious shit. We’re humans. We Judge. Embrace it, and get the fuck over it. And honestly, Once you’re an object, it becomes hard to see your inner soul.

Something should be said for personal responsibility. This goes far beyond just making sure you use a condom every time. This is about knowing that despite all of our idealism and progressive thinking, it is still a cruel place out here. Be mindful of the messages you send and people and places you surround yourself with. By all means, your choice is your choice…Be honest with your self about your sex, but just like thinking ahead about why you got that butterfly on your left breast and what it’s going to look like at age 65, think about what this step now means in the long run. I just told my oldest nephew about leaving drunk girls alone and not ever being pressed for sex. I can’t count how many times I had to ask my little sister what she gets out of taking booty shots and putting them on Instagram then getting offended by someone’s comment. Our actions still speak a whole lot louder than our words, most times before those words ever even get heard.

What we’re NOT about to do is treat the act of making sluts question their actions and self-worth like its a fucking hate crime. And we are NOT going to confuse telling our daughters and nieces to be careful and don’t make certain choices for blaming them for some half-a-man’s lack of impulse control and beastial actions. These are 2 separate conversations. This is not about accepting rapists’ actions and molding our women around that to avoid incurring the wrath. This is about raising wise, strong women who have solid definitions of their rights, values and worth and not some abstract concept bourne out of repression. We’re raising mothers here, not basketball wives. Psuedo-feminism is the most useless agenda next to the NRA right now. Fuck a battle of the sexes. Men: lift these women up. Women: lift these men up and everyone start respecting your private parts a little more. I’m tired of hearing how many other celebs have fucked Joe Budden’s girlfriends. The world is too small.

I roll with JennaMarbles on this.

1 Comment

  1. Jenna’s video came across as self-righteous and extremely condescending, which is problematic because it’s not that black and white.

    I do believe that there is a such thing as a “slut” but just because someone is promiscuous doesn’t make them a slut. To me, a slut is someone who is not only promiscuous but they’re very insecure and generally have no real morals or standards. Sluts are people who will sleep with anyone whether they’re in a relationship or not and they often carry themselves in a sexual manner that is very inappropriate. Sluts don’t usually realize they fall into this category, and it’s true, no one takes them seriously. I had a friend who was a “slut,” but she thought she was so high class. Things got so out of control that she left the club with a group of men who ran a train on her. But that wasn’t the last straw. She has been pregnant a few times and even had sex with an equally slutty man who admittedly “didn’t like condoms,” had 3 kids, one on the way was sleeping with another woman at the same time that he was sleeping with her and at one point had gotten both of them pregnant. Meanwhile, this same girl was going around saying that she was just turning the tables on men and again, swore she was the classiest thing anyone had ever seen. It was so bad that right before the train running incident, which was the incident that made me stop hanging out with her (because I tried to keep her from going with them and almost got into a fight with one of the men b/c he was fondling me telling me to join them and I spazzed), we went to a party and walked past some a group of men, she was walking a little ahead of me but I overheard one of the men say, “That’s the girl I was telling you about that [blank blankity blank], she’ll let you hit.” Part of this girl’s problem was extreme low self-esteem. So yes, there are sluts. To me, sluts tend to self-medicate by having extreme sex with no scruples and then wear it as a badge of honor because they’re trying to cover up what’s really going on in side. Samantha from “Sex and the City” was a slut. I never saw her behavior as cute or as feminism. It was disturbing.

    Someone who is sexually free may or may not promiscuous but they’re definitely more discerning about who they sleep with and they’re generally not messy about their body count (in terms of broadcasting it). To me, what it means to be sexually free is being confortable trying different things in the bedroom and not being afraid to talk about it. Sexually free people don’t necessarily feel the need to brag about their conquests but they’re secure enough with themselves to engage in a good conversation about some S&M (or whatever) from a mature standpoint, or they’re not afraid to perform in a burlesque show or host a sex toy party. So, yes there is a difference between a slut and someone who just really likes sex.

    Unfortunately, most people will never see it that way because people hear what they want. I get judged when I tell people (including you…*hard stare) that I pole dance because people refuse to believe that it’s not the same as stripping, it is what it is. Like you said and what Jenna tried to say, the best thing we can do is to teach people how to make better decisions with their bodies. Sleeping around isn’t cute, especially since you can still catch STD’s and STI’s even with condom use, condoms fail and even if you do manage to escape the aforementioned, there’s an emotional toll that needs to be considered. Women aren’t men and the truth is, we do think differently about sex and our organs react differently. For women, aside from diseases and pregnancy there’s other concerns like yeast infections, vaginal tears, bv and just a lot that comes with having a vagina so protecting it is smart. The attitude that a lot of women have about turning the tables is silly and it’s something we need to adjust in order to teach mean how they should treat us.

    It’s a complex situation. I kinda get what Jenna was trying to say but she presented it in a way that warranted what she wanted–YouTube views, not in a way that genuinely expresses concern.


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